its about time i finally started feeling good about my self. I finally worked up the corage to say no, to stop being a push over and letting people convince me im a failure and this and that and blaa blaa blaa. ok maybe i still have a hell of alot to work on but its a start and i figured if im a failure or whatever then who the fuck cares! i mean if i dont care then it shuldnt bother anyone else, what does anything i do have to do with them right! its my life i will fuck it up how i want to and i have to deal with that not them!!!! awww it feels good to just be able to realise i am not their subject if they look down on me then let them. im still looking up and if i keep looking up then one day i might be at the top and never look down.... well if that alll makes sense :)
Today i laid beside you, today i looked up at you, today i let go of your hand. I stood over your grave and cried tears of pain, today my heart bleed more than ever. This was the worst day of my life, this day i gave you all i had left. The day i lost you was my worse fear and the day they put you down to rest was my worse nightmare, a nightmare that i never woke up from. but i didnt loose you, you were holding my hand the whole time, i didnt loose you because i didnt want to believe it, i didnt believe it i just stayd in my nightmare hoping i would wake up. injection after injection i did what i could to stay awake because sleeping would just mean i was never in a nightmare. But reality has sunkn in and i lost you forever. So as i say goodbye today and i let go of your hand. maybe you dont kno but this is the biggest desision of my life. i thought keeping you with me it wouldnt hurt as much but i guess its the opposite. holding on to lost love leaves you with lost hope and thats more than sad. I just want to be able to say your name without hurting and this is the best way i could think of. you will always be my love but today i need to let you go. so today i lay beside you for the last time and i leave behind me the heartache that was driving me to early and selfish grave. I love you soo but i kant keep living bye a "needle&thred".
if it takes me a month, a year, a life time to get their i wont come back till all the peices you left behind are back in the right place. I just wont to be able to hear youre name without breaking down and shooting up. Im going to do it all for you, i will live what you cant. I love you soo much i have let your hand go, it let go........ I fukn let it go
I will get their one day.
(crying while writting needed to express it)
Trying and trying, listening and understanding. nothing is sinking in, i know thinking negative im only attracting negative things and its true. I know i have to move on fuck i know whats holding me back but the more i try the more i fuck up. I try to surround myself with happy people and for once i could smile without feeling guilty. Being in a room surrounded by poeple laughing, smiling and enjoying them self is a great feeling but its a better feeling knowing that their happy because i helped make them smile was priceless but when it comes down to it they are only happy till you can stop catering to their needs, when you dont have anything left to please them they dont want to know you, youre just a subject not a freind, they dont care how you feel they just want to please themself, its not you they want its what you got. Its a cruel world and i dont know why i try. I just find it pointless making a effort, i try to recover from loosing the best thing in life, the one person who actually cares for me, the one person who ever loved me and a loss so great is so hard to recover from but when i try i try so hard only to be let down again. I would rather not exsist.
why do i try? Just when i think i can start to move on and just try to get my head back together someone goes and fucks it up!!! someone goes and says something you dont want to here and they fucking send you back under.
why is this so hard? why cant life just let me move on???? I HATE THIS I wish it would all just go away and i dont have to hear it all, i dont have to get my hopes up only to find i get dissapointed, i dont have to live through life in pain only just getting by. FUCK THIS SH*T someone stop it please
It gets harder and harder everyday because i know as every second passes its just anava second i dont spend with you. I wake up everyday in pain and go to sleep crying. But i am learning to hide it, i am learning to accept it even though i dont want to but i know it wont change the fact that your gone soo im trying to not forget about it but just simply hide it for now thats all i can do to cope.
I close my eyes to see you, I get high to be close to you, I would die to see you. I will never stop loving I will fight to keep this love alive even if your not. Everything in my life seems to be pointless if i cant share it with you. If I cant spend a life time with you then I will wait to spend eternity with you.I maybe in pain but i will see you again.
How am i meant to keep my head up when it is completely submerged in chaos.
My way of dealing with it has been drowning myself in alcohol. bottle after bottle after bottle.
But it just makes it worse, admitably the alcohol is great, it lets me escape you,
It lets me live life in the moment without you on my mind. but you only dissapear when I am submerged in a bottle.The drugs not only let me forget but they take me to a place i feel comfortable in, a place where I can escape the pain and heartache. But its all fantacy and my life is drifting away, each day just seems to be endles,
losing track of what day or month it is ive managed to let it all slip away. to let it control me and i fear living like this is just sending me closer and closer to you but i dont know if that is a good thing or bad.
I wish you were here to help, to stop me, to hold me but your never going to be.
I think letting go, typing it all out is the only thing right now that is keeping me together because i dont know if anyone around me can understand what i am going through.
I dont want to dissapear but i dont want to lose you!!!!! HELP
Life without you is sooo hard everyday gets worse and worse, when will the pain stop?
when will you come home, when will we share the same bed, when will we share the same thoughts??
I just want you and nothing else but you are the one thing i cant have, living with out you is impossible!!
I want to be with you. Waking up everymorning is becoming the hardest part of it all all i have are photographs but a picture is nothing without you!
I wish i knew how to move on, i wish i could love someone else and stop finding the worst in others so i dont have to love anyone else but you.
Previous PostsFree, posted July 19th, 2010
Let it all go!, posted June 17th, 2010, 1 comment
Ahhhhh, posted June 13th, 2010
Over it!!, posted June 12th, 2010
Just anava day, posted June 11th, 2010, 1 comment
Holding on forever never letting go, posted June 10th, 2010
coping, posted June 9th, 2010
Missing you!!, posted June 9th, 2010, 1 comment
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